Sometimes, when I lie awake at night the bitter creeping of the existential reality sneaks it's way into my consciousness. Why am I here? What is my purpose? The quiet moments when my autopilot mode pauses are like rising from a waking dream. I suddenly sit up, gasping and realize something quite obvious; like the fact that I have hands, not just appendages that do all my typing and writing and grabbing of coffee. It is a very Kafka-esque moment, except I'm not a giant disgusting bug, but a giant disgusting women-girl-human. I probably lost all of you by now, but bear with me. This blog won't all be about some lucid-dream reality that I find myself in. What I mean to do by this overly-dramatic introduction is to say is that I can't answer these questions about myself, or really even fully comprehend reality and such and such. But what I can do, is tell you why I've made this blog. I will present it in a convenient listicle format:
1. I have a lot of thoughts
Some of them are very profound or funny or entertaining or insightful. Some are not. However, I have this strange urge to always share them. A housefly trying to escape will throw itself against the window repeatedly until it dies. So too do my thoughts drift around in my brain-box throwing themselves onto my frontal lobe until my motor cortex lights up and my mouth just verbally diarrheas it all out. By creating this blog, I hopefully will not have to call every friend, relative, or acquaintance every time I'm alone and need to get something off my chest.
2. I have NO idea what I'm doing
It's true. I may have taken the age-old saying of "fake it till ya make it" (however I've come to realize that that’s A-OK) to a whole new level. I feel like a little kid in an adult's clothing, pretending to be an adult. I don't know what I'm doing, where I'm going, or how I'm getting there. But I've gotten this far off my wit and luck, and I plan on getting even further banking of that. Basically what I'm saying here is that I follow my intuition. And my intuition led me here to start this blog. I have NO clue if it will be big, or if it will just be a way for my coworkers to check if I'm doing alright in the head, but I'm here now and I plan on staying.
3. I like to write
Ugh, I hate saying that because I feel like a high school student who was told their whole life that they were a good writer, only to turn in their first college essay and end up with a big fat C-. But, it's a fact. I enjoy the process and I plan on getting better. This can be my way of "getting my work out there" and be a way to force myself to write something other than essays for class or depression poems at 3:00 AM (you might see some of those up here if it really comes to that. Stay tuned).
4. You might be entertained
I could do something crazy like entertain you, make you laugh, make you cry. Shit, I don't know. I could be your favorite blog or writer (highly doubtful), or I could be one of many writers you read to get inspiration (that would make my day). Basically, I want to be something you can turn to to make your day a little bit brighter. Man, the world out there is a scary place, hopefully, I can bring a little light into it for you.Â
If you've gotten this far in this post you might as well stick around for my next post. Which will be posted in approximate whenever I get to it. Stick around, grab some coffee or tea, and enjoy the ride.