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The 5 Month Check-In

Hello everybody! How are you all doing? Good, I hope. As good as anyone can be I guess. Me? Well, I have a confession to make: I'm sick of this shit. Absolutely, positively sick of it. What started out as a one-two month endeavor has turned into an all-encompassing lump of shit that has taken over my entire life. COVID-19 is like a helicopter parent looming over me and controlling all of my actions. And I can't even sneak out to be rebellious without the gut-wrenching guilt I'd feel. Alas, like the rest of the world, I am stuck inside. Not only that, I am still in my childhood house. A few weeks ago, I went back up to my beloved San Francisco and packed up my entire adult life into a series of boxes, wept for the death of my independence, and drove back to Los Angeles. Now the relics of my past (6 months past) sit in the attic, where they will collect dust (much like my hope for this to ever end).

I am fed up. Over it. Donezo. Ready to MOVE ON.

I'd like to cite David Bowie's 1983 hit "Changes". Listen to the lyrics very carefully and you may find that they have a new sort of relevance to our current times

Wow. What a good song right?

I think it is safe to say that we are in a strange time, full of changes. Our very way of life has completely shifted, and while most of us have adjusted and "turned to face the strange", it is still shocking when we think about just how much has changed in the past few months. Not only has the world been facing this massive shift, but we as individuals have seen dramatic changes in our lifestyles, future plans, and attitudes. I am no preacher, nor am I an expert at coping with these changes, however, I am going through them with you. Know that I feel for you.

I watch the ripples change their size

But never leave the stream of warm impermanence and

So the days float through my eyes

But still the days seem the same

Permanence is a thing of the past to me now. Everything that I expected out of this year has gone completely out the window. I am currently at home and will be living at home like a big adult child until next January. One year of college out the window and all because of a microbe that decided to fuck us all up. Can I say this? FUCK a BITCH named CORONA. I raise my glass to all those canceled 2020 travel plans, to the weddings that had to be rescheduled, to the first-years who will be stuck at home for much longer than expected, to the extroverts who are relearning what social interaction feels like, and to the memories we might have made had corona not come knocking on our doorstep.

Maybe there are some well-adjusted introverts out there right now who are enjoying this alone time, who actually feel energized by the lack of social interaction. But there is also a great portion of people, like me, who are simply drained by it. I've said in a previous post that I like to ramble and talk all day long. I enjoy social interaction and meeting new people. I enjoy a good night out and a nice dinner. I even miss movie theaters. Simple things like shaking hands and hugging people when you first meet them. I mourn their loss and wonder when and if they will ever come back.

I don't know about you, but I think I've gone slightly insane. Not the looney-bin kind of insane, but the kind of crazy that sits just below Well Adjusted Person. I can't quite put my finger on it and the only way I can describe it is the feeling of forgetting a word mid-sentence. I pace my room back and forth and back and forth. I scroll through my phone on and on and on. I fold my laundry, trying to find that missing sock. It's on the tip of my tongue and I don't know what it is. I feel like I've lost something but I don't know what I lost. Oh yeah, maybe my motherfucking entire life.

Time is weird right now as well. It's already July, when I'm still processing April. Pretty soon it'll be 2021. Oh god, I feel old. I turned 20 last month. And while I always consider myself to be a teenage-grandmother, I now must reshape that identity to be a middle-aged 20-year-old. There's added responsibility for me to be doing something with my life. Figuring it out. But how am I supposed to "figure it out" when I can't go out and BE twenty.

Maybe my job right now is not to figure out my path in this world but my place in it. We all can reflect on our roles in history. Lin-Manuel Miranda said it best when he wrote "History has its eyes on you". I, along with many other people feel this sentiment. History does in fact have its eyes on us. What will we do with this responsibility? Will we be idle and let time pass us by? No, I don't see us doing that at all.

And these children that you spit on As they try to change their worlds Are immune to your consultations They're quite aware of what they're going through

There are people out there right now trying to change the world for the better. With all this extra time we have, people have been taking the reins into their own hands. Molding their own future. Hoping that we can all come out of this to a better world. It's a noble cause. There is honor in the selfless sacrifice of time and energy to making the world a better place. I only have two things to comment on the current political climate.

  1. To our current youth revolution: We will be fruitless if we do not first look inward into our own souls and change our perspectives to show LOVE to one another.

  2. To the older generations: Trust that you have raised good, smart, kind people and allow them to join you in the pursuit of happiness without judgement or condemnation.

Time may change me

But I can't trace time

I find that this is the most profound lyric from the entire song. As our world changes as time goes on, we are unable to trace the path that time takes us. Now, I'm not the most intelligent person on the planet. I don't have a degree in philosophy, nor am I the most well-read individual. This is not a false sense of "deepness", but an acknowledgment that we must accept changes as they come. I may not be doing the best job, I am only human. But at the end of the day, we are all moving along through time together. The changes that are happening in this pivotal moment in history will ripple through the ages. This doesn't just have to be a political movement. It can be the spark that lights up all areas of our lives. From intellectualism to art, culture, fashion, and popular media. The Revolution of the Millenia: where we look at our world from a new perspective and cultivate it, rather than destroying it.

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